Postcards are delivered to Lower Butt-Ox
August 4th By Ollie Flinch (Lower Butt-Ox Gazette Reporter)
When I first interviewed Shawn about the new postcard range, I assumed he’d just have a few sample designs.
I wasn’t expecting him to turn up the following morning proudly displaying the real thing.
Apparently, in Lower Butt-Ox, imagination doesn’t stay on the page for very long.
As Shawn said “Unless you can hold it in your hand it’s not really real”
I couldn’t argue with that, although I might have phrased it differently.
Shawn proudly showed me the first designs.
Shawn said “This one speaks for itself. A simple design proudly showing off our village name. I think it will be a winner. After all we have nothing to hide in Lower-Butt-Ox”
“As The Bottoms Up is one of our biggest features and favourite place to gather it was an obvious second choice. You can always get what you want at The Bottoms Up if you ask nicely”
“And our third design is for those who like to go off and explore nature in our very own nature reserve at DInky Winkie Wood. It’s not big but it does the job. And it was named after me”
I was very impressed with the quality and could see that Shawn was very pleased with the first sample.
“When will they be ready for purchase?” I asked
“Very soon” said Shawn “They will be added to the gift shop shortly”
“And are these the official photographs to be used?” I asked.
“Oh yes” replied Shawn “We have nothing to hide”
“Excellent!” I said with a grin.
Fridge Magnets Stick the Landing!
August 6th 2026 By Ollie Flinch (Lower Butt-Ox Gazette Reporter)
Tourists flock to gift shop as Shawn unveils the latest souvenirs
Visitors to Lower Butt-Ox are being warned to make room on their refrigerators following the arrival of the village’s first collection of official fridge magnets.
The range includes favourites such as Bottoms Up, The Butt-Ox Bridge, Dinky Winkie Wood, Welcome to Lower Butt-Ox, Fanny’s Petals, St Dicks Church, Bert Spray Repairs, Official Lower Butt-Ox Tourist and I Survived Em’s Guided Walk.
I caught up with Shawn outside Fanny’s Petals as he proudly showed off the new collection.
I asked Shawn about these and he said, “These seem to have gone down well already.”
“Oh yes” beamed Shawn “Better than I expected! Everyone seems to have their favourite. Mind you, everyone also seems to have their own idea of where to stick them.”
“Which one sells the most?”
Shawn stroked his beard “It depends who’s buying. The pub crowd like Bottoms Up. Visitors seem to love the bridge. Em keeps buying the one that says I Survived Em’s Guided Walk. He says it’s the closest thing he’s ever had to a qualification.”
“Any unexpected reactions?”
“Well… let’s just say some visitors came up with rather more ideas than I had.”
“In what way?”
Shawn bent down to straighten the display.
There was a short pause.
“People have already started asking whether I’ll be stocking Christmas decorations they can hang up.” He said proudly.
“I can see why.”
“Yes” said Shawn. “Well, we’re thinking about festive baubles, hanging clusters… perhaps even a Flashing Gnome if I can persuade Fanny.”
As we packed everything away, Shawn asked whether I was free later.
“I’ve got some work to do with my STIC this afternoon,” he said, “unless you’re helping Andy get the church ornaments ready.“
I thought about it for a moment.
“STIC or baubles?”
I laughed.
“What a choice.”
I think Lower Butt-Ox is rubbing off on me.
Editor’s Note
The Gazette would like to remind readers that any resemblance to local residents, real of fictional, is entirely deliberate.
The ASBO Initiative — Part One
August 10th By Ollie Flinch – Special Village Initiative
There was considerable excitement in Lower Butt-Ox this week when Reverend Andy MacFandy announced a new fundraising initiative designed to help pay for repairs to the roof of St Dicks.
The scheme has been given the rather intriguing name ASBO.
Naturally, I had find out what it meant.
I found Reverend Andy standing beside one of the newly installed boxes, looking extremely pleased with himself. The conversation went something like this.
“Reverend Andy, perhaps you could explain to our readers what ASBO stands for?”
“Almost Swear Box.”
“Oh?”
“Optional!”
“Right. And how does it work?”
Andy paused for a moment.
“Well… if someone almost swears, they put some money in the box.”
I was a bit confused “How much?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Whatever they feel is appropriate.”
“And how do you know when someone has almost sworn?”
Andy looked thoughtful.
I looked at the box.
It had a perfectly respectable sign attached to it:
ASBO
ALMOST SWEAR BOX (OPTIONAL)
Church Roof Fund
If you almost swore… you know you almost swore.
Actual swearing remains free of charge.
I decided to try again “So actual swearing doesn’t cost anything?”
“No.”
“But almost swearing does?”
“Yes.”
“What about starting to swear and then stopping?”
Andy considered this very carefully.
“Pay a smaller amount”
Andy looked at the box.
Then at me.
Then back at the box.
“I might have to use it myself.”
I smiled and thought the same thing.
“So the money will go towards repairing the roof of St Dicks?”
“That’s right. St Dicks isn’t looking quite as rigid as it used to. It’s getting a little… floppy, and it leaks a bit.”
And there, at least, was something nobody could argue with.
By lunchtime, ASBO boxes had appeared in the pub, outside the village shop and at several other locations around Lower Butt-Ox.
Penny and Stark Mark were very enthusiastic about it at The Bottoms Up.
They can tell. Mark can’t hear it but he can see it.
And I had a feeling that this might be the beginning of something rather bigger than a church roof fund, and was glad I didn’t have my wallet with me…….
To be continued…
SPUNK-U-LIKE Opens — And Major Lee Bashing promises to “FILL YOU UP”
August 13th 2026 by Ollie Flinch Lower Butt-Ox Gazette
Lower Butt-Ox has a new attraction, and Major Lee Bashing is confident that visitors will be coming back for more.
The proprietor of the newly opened Spunk-U-Like Ice Cream & Toppings Parlour officially opened his doors this morning, declaring that his establishment would provide “big, creamy portions, plenty of toppings and something for everyone to get their tongue around.”
“I’ve always believed that people should get what they want,” explained the Major, proudly adjusting his enormous purple Willy Wanka Club hat. “And if they want a bit of extra sauce and plenty of nuts, who am I to disappoint them?”
The Major has clearly done his homework. Behind the counter are jars of nuts, chocolately bits and jelly sweets, alongside bottles of white chocolate, strawberry and caramel sauce.
“Some customers like it plain,” he explained. “Others want absolutely everything on it. I’m very accommodating.”
His advertising campaign has already attracted considerable attention around the village, particularly the slogan:
“SWALLOW, SWALLOW, THERE IS PLENTY — MORE PROTEIN LATER.”
He grinned “You always have to open wide to get it all in”
The first customer through the door was Shawn, who apparently arrived intending to “see what all the fuss was about.”
“It’s certainly filling,” Shawn told the Gazette.
Asked whether he would be returning, he smiled.
“I think I’ve got a taste for it now. Spunk-U-Like is just what I needed”
The Major was delighted.
“That is exactly what I want to hear! I aim to leave every customer happy, healthy and wanting more.”
By lunchtime, Spunk-U-Like was attracting visitors from across Lower Butt-Ox, with several customers requesting extra toppings and at least one asking whether the Major could make their portion “a little bigger.”
“Of course!” shouted the Major.
“Size does matter!”
The Gazette understands that Major Lee Bashing is already planning a loyalty scheme for regular customers, although details remain confidential.
When asked what the future holds for Spunk-U-Like, the Major simply grinned.
“More scoops. More sauce. More toppings.”
I had to try one myself.
The major invited me behind the counter for a sample.
And he was right.
You do need to open your mouth fully to get it all in.
Bashing Brothers Strike Again!
Another Pop-Up Catering Sensation Hits Lower Butt-Ox
August 14th By Ollie Flinch (Lower Butt-Ox Gazette Head Reporter)
Just when Lower Butt-Ox residents thought they had tasted every possible Bashing Brothers food stall, Major Lee Bashing and his brother Miner K. Bashing have returned with a new delight
This time villagers have been queuing for The Drizzle Salad Bar,
“It’s disgusting,” complained one villager while returning for more fresh mayo.
“You can’t fault the food.” said another. “My wife says it the healthiest thing she has swallowed for ages”
Ollie’s Drizzle Disaster
As the Head Gazette reporter I was sent to investigate. The Drizzle Salad Bar looked rather tasty.
“I asked for a salad,” I explained. “Major Lee asked whether I wanted it lightly dressed. I said yes. Then Miner K. started reading out the ingredients.”
The ingredient list included little plum tomatoes, cu’cum’bers, baby corn, firm carrots, juicy peppers and a generous drizzle.
“You have to appreciate the little plum tomatoes,” he told me. “They’re small, juicy and come in pairs.”
Major Lee immediately intervened.
“They’re tomatoes, Miner.”
“I know. That’s why they’re healthy.”
I only needed to go behind the counter for a few minutes and I confirm it was “firm but refreshing”
The verdict? “Bloody delicious.”
The Drizzle Salad Bar promises customers food that is “fresh, healthy and lightly dressed”,
Major Lee simply smiled.
“KEEPS YOU HEALTHY, YOU KNOW.”
The Lower Butt-Ox Gazette will continue to monitor this developing culinary spectacle – although I think he said “Swallow my tackle’
IS YOUR SLOT PREPARED TO RECEIVE SOMETHING FROM LITTLE BUTT-OX?
Lower Butt-Ox goes postal — and residents are already getting excited
August 15th 2026 Ollie Flinch (Senior, and only, Lower Butt-Ox Gazette Reporter)
There was considerable excitement in Lower Butt-Ox this week when I discovered that the village has officially entered the postcard business.
Naturally, I went straight to Shawn to find out what was going on.
I found him proudly displaying the first batch of Lower Butt-Ox postcards and asked the obvious question:
“Why postcards?”
“Because people might want to send a little bit of Lower Butt-Ox to their friends and family,” Shawn explained.
The first collection features four designs celebrating some of Lower Butt-Ox’s finest attractions:
Greetings from Lower Butt-Ox — for those who simply want to show where they’ve been.
Dinky Winkie Wood – Small but Beautiful! — celebrating one of the village’s more modest attractions.
The Parting of the Butt-Ox Bridge – Mind the Gap! At least that what he said when I was there.
The Lower Butt-Ox Gazette – We Expose Everything! — which, frankly, sounds like something I should probably have thought through before approving it.
Shawn explained that you can choose any two postcards from the four designs, as the best things come in pairs.
Each card is a proper standard-sized postcard, with a colourful illustrated front and a traditional postcard layout on the reverse, including space for an address and stamp. As Shawn said “We all like a bit of old fashioned licking …… of stamps”
But why that headline?
At this point I asked Shawn whether the Gazette headline might be considered slightly suggestive.
He just proudly help the cards up and I got a really good look at everything he had to offer..
Two postcards cost £5, with UK 2nd Class postage available. They can now be ordered through the Lower Butt-Ox Etsy shop.
If you want to send one to a friend or keep one for yourself, these are the perfect gift. Shawn says that if one slides into your box it doesn’t make a sound.
https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/4556197767/novelty-lower-butt-ox-postcards
Golden Showers Water Sports Park Opens in Lower Butt-Ox
August 17th 2026 by Ollie Flinch
A fully flowing and thoroughly gushing review
Visitors to Lower Butt-Ox have a brand-new attraction to add to their itinerary: Golden Showers Water Sports Park, the latest venture to arrive in the village and, according to its proprietors, “the wettest day out in the county.”
The park is the brainchild of the Bashing Brothers, Major Lee Bashing and Miner “Kinder” Bashing, who appear to have decided that Lower Butt-Ox was lacking one thing: somewhere visitors could get thoroughly warm and wet.
The brothers have wasted no time establishing the park’s distinctive branding. Bright signs advertise Golden Shower Water Sports Park, accompanied by the reassuring slogan:
“WE DON’T TAKE THE PISS!”
I had to investigate. So I went with Shawn who told me “You will love it once you try it”
We returned several hours later – although we didn’t want to leave.
“I’ll be honest,” I explained later. “I wasn’t convinced when I arrived. But after experiencing the atmosphere, meeting the visitors and seeing how seriously everyone loves their water sports, I completely changed my mind.”
Something for everyone
The Bashing Brothers have apparently thought of everything.
The park boasts splash zones, water slides, refreshments and a growing range of branded merchandise featuring its mischievous mascot, Wet Willy.
Wet Willy’s cheerful message to visitors is simple:
“We don’t take the Piss at Golden Showers Water Sports Park.”
The food and drink operation is also being expanded, with a series of Bashing Brothers concession stands planned throughout the site, including the Golden Shower Grill, Miner’s Golden Shower Snack Shack, Bashing Brothers Beer & Fizz, Miner’s Golden Shower Ice Cream Parlour, Bashing Brothers Coffee & Cakes and the increasingly popular Golden Shower Bar.
Major Lee insists that customer service remains their highest priority.
“We want everyone to have a bloody good time,” he said.
Miner nodded enthusiastically.
“We’re here to make sure nobody leaves disappointed.” he said unzipping his shorts above my pint glass.
Ollie’s verdict
After completing my investigation I have volunteered to become the Gazette’s permanent Golden Shower correspondent.
My forthcoming column, “Ollie’s Golden Opinions,” promises honest reviews, visitor reactions and assessment of the park’s various attractions.
“I’ve found my niche,” I said to Shawn with a pint of the good stuff in my hand.
Golden Shower Water Sports Park is open for business.
Tickets are available now.
You won’t need a towel but a plastic pint glass is recommended.
The ASBO Initiative — Part Two
August 19th — By Ollie Flinch (Senior, and only, Lower Butt-Ox Reporter)
Following last week’s announcement of the ASBO — the Almost Swear Box — several residents of Lower Butt-Ox have been attempting to work out exactly how the scheme is supposed to operate.
I found Shawn, Em, Bert gathered around the box at Bottoms Up, studying the instructions.
“So,” said Shawn, “we put money in if we almost swear?”
“Correct,” I said while reading the instructions.
“But what counts as almost swearing?” asked Em.
Nobody seemed entirely sure.
Bert suggested that thinking about a swear word probably counted.
“I nearly thought of one earlier,” he explained.
Shawn immediately put a pound in the box.
“What was that for?” asked Em.
“I nearly swore.”
“But you didn’t.”
“I know. That’s why it’s called almost swearing.”
Em considered this and put two pounds in.
“What was that for?”
“I nearly swore when Bert started talking about nearly thinking about nearly swearing.”
Bert looked at him.
“I think that’s probably worth three pounds.”
He put three pounds into the box.
I pointed out that this was becoming rather expensive.
“Perhaps we should establish some rules?”
“What sort of rules?” asked Shawn.
“Well, perhaps a small amount for almost swearing, a larger amount for actually starting a swear word, and perhaps nothing if you stop yourself before saying it.”
There was a long silence.
Within a few minutes, the four of us had developed a system so complicated that none of us could explain it. Unfortunately, we had also been putting money into the box throughout the discussion.
Shawn looked inside.
“Has anyone worked out how much we’ve put in?”
I looked inside
“Enough to make quite a useful contribution towards the roof of St Dicks.”
We all looked at the box.
Then Bert spoke.
“That’s a bit bloody—”
He stopped.
Everyone stared at him.
Bert sighed, reached for his wallet and put another pound in the box.
“Almost,” he said.
At this rate, St Dicks may have a new roof sooner than expected.
And don’t forget to check out the new Wet Willy cartoon. He goes everywhere.
Something big is coming to Lower Butt-Ox
August 20th 2026 By Ollie Flinch (Senior, and only, Lower Butt-Ox Gazette Reporter)
When I heard that Shawn Braken was launching another new club I know it would be something ‘big’. So I went to find out.
“So, Shawn, you’ve recently announced the launch of your latest venture — the Dinky Winkie Club. What exactly is it?”
Shawn was there proudly naked, as always, putting up a poster and a logo. “Well, Ollie, it’s a club for people who believe that a little bit of fun, friendship and self-confidence can go a long way.
I had to ask “And why the name Dinky Winkie Club?
“It’s catchy, isn’t it? And we’re keeping things small and friendly.”
I paused.
Looked at Shawn.
And then looked down at myself.
Shawn continued explaining the club’s plans, including the new logo, the weekly Dinky Winkie poster and potential competitions.
I looked down again.
Then back at Shawn.
“Ollie?”
“Sorry. Just thinking.”
“About the club?”
I paused and looked at the poster.
“Well… mainly about whether I’m actually eligible for membership.”
A grin appeared on his face.
“You’re a natural fit with your dinky winkie. Which day of the week do you want to be?”
I thought it would be all of them.
THE LOWER BUTT-OX GAZETTE — where we expose everything, even if its not worth exposing.
EXCLUSIVE! Ollie Interviews Shawn: Inside the Dinky Winkie Club
August 21st 2026 by Ollie Flinch (Senior, and only, Lower Butt-Ox Gazette Reporter)
“So, Shawn, the Dinky Winkie Club seems to be becoming a thing. How did that happen?
Shawn replied: Small things can grow into big ideas”
“And now there are apparently club days, merchandise and even a Dinky Winkie Week?”
Shawn nodded and looked at me “We all know what you haven’t got!”
Then I looked at the folder of proposed club logos.
I thought “Very straightforward. Perhaps a little TOO straightforward.”
Shawn said “Nothing is looking straightforward there”
I asked “Is there a Dinky Winkie Club membership?”
“Of course.”
“What does it actually get you?”
“A membership badge, a modesty star if you need it and a measuring tape.“
“That’s it? – It’s tiny and it doesn’t go over one inch!“
Shawn: “What more do you need?”
Meanwhile, Wet Willy is a bit of ‘light relief”
WHAT A LOVELY TOSS-OFF!
August 24th 2026 by Ollie Flinch (Senior, and only, Lower Butt-Ox Gazette Reporter)
I had to interview Shawn about his new business venture.
“So, Shawn, let’s start with the obvious question. What exactly is a Toss-Off about?
“They are sweets. Chocolate or confectionery, depending on which one you want in your mouth.”
“And the shop? Shawn’s Toss Off Sweet STIC. That’s quite a name.”
“It slips off the tongue when you get used to it – and TOSS stands for The Old Sweet Shop.
I had a try a few products
“What’s your speciality?”
“Toss-offees.”
“Are they creamy and sticky?
“Always” Shawn grinned
‘What if I just want a suck?”
“Our Premature Ejector will sort you out”
“And you’ve got a loyalty scheme?”
“Yes, The Tosser-Offers Club.
“And what does a member get?
“Tosser offers.”
“So what’s your best seller?”
“That’s difficult to judge”
“Why?”
“Some people like something quick. Others prefer something they can take their time with.”
“Finally, what would you say to someone thinking about coming round here and trying a Toss-Off?”
“Don’t be shy. Come in and get one out.”
“And take a look at our promo video too – it’s on Bluesky”
Tosser Bags Arrive in Lower Butt-Ox
August 26th 2026 By Ollie Flinch (Senior, and only, reporter for the Lower Butt-Ox Gazette).
I was sent to interview Shawn Braken about the exciting arrival of Tosser Bags in Lower Butt-Ox – the latest retail initiative.
I started with the obvious question“So what exactly are Tosser Bags?”
Shawn replied “They are there when you need them for a toss”
“ A Toss?”
“Yes, a Toss! You know what a toss is?”
I grinned “Of course – it is there a difference in the colours?”
Shawn shook his head “It’s all the same in the end and then the bag can be thrown away”
“So you put one of these over it and ….?”
“Have a toss, yes”
Then Shawn produced the Toss Tank Tally.
“What’s that?”
“Keeps track of how quickly the Tosser Bags are being used. Stock control”
“Would you say Tosser Bags are likely to become an everyday household item?”
“Absolutely.”
“For everyone?”
“Everyone in Lower Butt-Ox.Yes”
Shawn showed me how they worked. I bought one of each tossing colour to try them out.
OLLIE GOES BALD!
August 28th 2026 By Ollie Flinch (Senior, and only, Lower Butt-Ox Gazette Reporter)
There was a time when I had a perfectly respectable head of ginger hair.
At first, I was merely curious. Then came the admiration. The shine. The smoothness. The confidence.
Before long, I was studying Shawn’s famously polished head and wondering whether I too could join Lower Butt-Ox’s growing community of bald Tossers.
Then I made the decision.
“Fuck it. I’m doing it.”
The clippers came out.
The hair came off.
And a brand-new me emerged — bald, polished, ginger-bearded and my trademark glasses.
Shawn’s verdict was immediate:
“Good lad! You look like a proper bell-end like me now”
The rest of the village wasn’t far behind. Wet Willy was particularly enthusiastic about having another magnificent bald head to admire.
With my transformation complete, the village has now made its Bald Head Rules official.
Respect the shine. No hats inside. Admire, don’t stare. Keep it clean. No hair envy.
And my verdict?
“I should have done it sooner.”
Shawn Braken – or as he likes to be called “BaldTossyLocks” – has a new range of products that I can’t wait to try
BALDTOSSYLOCKS™
Proudly polished products for proper Tossers in Lower Butt-Ox.
No hair. No shame. Maximum Toss.
GINGER NUTS: LOWER BUTT-OX HAS A NEW FAVOURITE SNACK
August 31st 2026 By Ollie Flinch (Senior, and only, Lower Butt Reporter)
Nobody at the Lower Butt-Ox Gazette expected the new brand of BaldTossyLocks Ginger Nuts to become quite the sensation it has turned into but readers clearly have an appetite for them.
Exclusively for the Gazette we can now reveal that the story involves two familiar Tossers, Shawn and myself, and an unusually large box of BaldTossyLocks™ Ginger Nuts.
Naturally, we had to comment.
I was happy to oblige.
“It didn’t last as long as I wanted,”
Shawn, meanwhile, maintained that everything was perfectly innocent.
“It has a lovely creamy filling when you get to it,” he insisted.
And if you’ve been wondering what Shawn was really doing…
Well!
Let’s just say that the biscuit story wasn’t quite the whole story. Or even the story at all!
The Lower Butt-Ox Gazette — reporting the news they won’t print anywhere else.
Welcome to Lower Butt-Ox 