Welcome to Lower Butt-Ox

Fanny’s Big Black Hole Surprise Proves a Hit

July 4th 2026 Residents queued early at the annual Lower Butt-Ox Garden Party to sample Fanny’s latest homemade creation, the Big Black Hole Surprise.

“I’ve been working on it all week,” said Fanny modestly. “I wanted to make something everyone would remember.”

Visitors were soon asking for seconds, with many commenting on its rich filling and generous helping of fresh cream.

Reverend Andy MacFandy declared it “out of this world”, while Shawn admitted he “simply couldn’t resist going back for a second dip with his spoon.”

Fanny later revealed that she had baked two, “just in case one disappeared.”

BERT SPRAY SAVES GARDEN PARTY AFTER FOUNTAIN EMERGENCY

July 5th 2026

Nudist Shawn was looking at the little fountain nozzle with concern.

“Oh no… it’s not working. Nothing’s coming out.”

Fortunately, local handyman Bert Spray arrived within minutes.

“Thank goodness Bert was nearby,” said Fanny, adjusting her garden party hat, which was all she had on. “He always seems to have the right tool for the job.”

Bert soon had the fountain working again.

“Well, I was standing there with it spraying everywhere,” he explained afterwards. “I could hardly stop it.”

The Reverend Andy MacFandy, looking resplendent in nothing but his dog collar, praised Bert’s efforts.

“It was a joy to watch him use his equipment so skilfully.”

Shawn later commented,

“He could work wonders on my plumbing.”

Fellow nudist Em replied,

“You’ve always had very small problems with that, haven’t you?”

The fountain can once again be seen in the Vicarage garden during guided tours.

As Bert himself says:

“Why do it yourself when Bert can do it for you?”

EM GIVES VISITORS A UNIQUE VIEW OF THE VILLAGE

July 5th 2026

Visitors enjoyed another of nudist Em’s popular guided walking tours around Lower Butt-Ox this week.

Leading confidently from the front, Em pointed out many of the village’s best-known landmarks before arriving at the small bridge where the River Butt and the River Ox part company.

Stopping at the bridge, Em turned to the group.

“If you really want to see where the Butt and the Ox part…”

He paused for effect.

“…you’ll have to bend over here.”

Em then demonstrated exactly where visitors should look.

Several tourists followed his example.

One visitor later described the view as “remarkably revealing.” Another said they had “never seen a view quite like it.”

Nudist Shawn, bringing up the rear of the group, smiled.

“Lower Butt-Ox village tours are a truly memorable experience.”

Em later confirmed that guided walks would continue throughout the summer.

SHAWN AND EM PREPARE FOR ANNUAL BOWLS TOURNAMENT

July 6th 2026

Excitement is building in Lower Butt-Ox as preparations continue for next Saturday’s Annual Village Bowls Tournament.

Among those hoping to impress are local friends Shawn and Em, who have been spending several afternoons practising on the village green under the watchful eyes of fellow villagers and curious passers-by.

Before play began, village handyman Bert Spray carried out his routine inspection of the green. Satisfied with the condition of the surface, he tossed the jack towards the far end before giving the green an approving nod.

“Everything’s nice and smooth,” Bert said. “Nothing sticking out where it shouldn’t be. I’ve been tossing the jack a few times.”

Only when Bert declared the green ready did Shawn and Em begin their practice session.

Em, a regular competitor, believes patience is the secret.

“It’s not about how big your bowls are,” he explained. “It’s knowing where to put them.”

Shawn agreed.

“A gentle touch usually works best,” he said. “If you try to force things, they can end up all over the place.”

The pair laughed as another bowl rolled just past the jack.

Later, the Reverend Andy MacFandy wandered over from St Dick’s to watch the practice session.

“Shawn has a lovely touch,” Andy observed. “Em tends to be a little firmer, but they both know how to get the best out of their woods.”

The Reverend wished them every success in the forthcoming tournament before continuing his afternoon walk through the village.

As practice drew to a close, Fanny arrived carrying a basket of freshly baked custard-filled pastry eggs for everyone to enjoy.

“Nothing restores your energy after a good practice quite like tucking into one of your favourite gooey eggs,” she smiled. “I always make sure they’re nice and full before serving them.”

The players happily accepted one each before making their way to The Bottoms Up, where Penny Pulling was waiting with refreshments.

“They always seem to work up quite a thirst after an afternoon on the green,” Penny laughed as she pulled another pint.

The annual Lower Butt-Ox Bowls Tournament takes place next Saturday and is expected to attract a healthy crowd, with several visitors already expressing an interest in watching Shawn and Em handle their woods.

Le Petit Beau-Lox Delegation Receives Warm Welcome

July 7^th 2026 By our Village Correspondent

The villagers of Lower Butt-Ox were delighted to welcome Mayor Pierre Derrier-Piste and his official delegation from our newly twinned French village of Le Petit Beau-Lox yesterday morning.

The visitors were greeted outside the Village Hall by Shawn and Em before enjoying a guided walking tour of some of Lower Butt-Ox’s best-known landmarks.

The tour included visits to St Dicks Church, where the Mayor was very impressed by the shiny brass balls, the village green, Bottoms Up, and the famous Parting of the Butt and Ox, where Em proudly explained the history behind the village’s rather unusual name.

When Mayor Derrier-Piste introduced himself as Mayor of Le Petit Beau-Lox, Shawn and Em exchanged broad smiles.

“We’ll fit right in there,” whispered Shawn.

“I was thinking exactly the same thing,” replied Em.

Mayor Derrier-Piste, assuming they were referring to the friendship between the two villages, thanked them warmly for their hospitality.

The official twinning plaque was to be unveiled later in the day. As local handyman Bert Spray said, “It’s going to take quite a bit of screwing to get it right.”

Lunch was later served at The Bottoms Up, where the visitors enjoyed traditional village hospitality and were introduced to several local residents, including Fanny and her enormous spread, Penny Pulling, and Reverend Andy MacFandy.

Speaking to the Reverend over Fanny’s spread the mayor commented “I still think your balls are displayed beautifully”

Andy replied modestly “Thank you. They’ve been hanging there for as long as I can remember”

Speaking afterwards, Mayor Derrier-Piste said:

“Le Petit Beau-Lox could not have wished for a warmer welcome. We already feel among friends.”

The afternoon programme includes further cultural exchanges, refreshments and an introduction to one or two of Lower Butt-Ox’s more distinctive village traditions.

FLASH NEWS! The Mayor of Le Petit Beau-Lox reveals all.

July 8th By our Village Correspondent

Following on from tucking into Fanny’s lunchtime spread at The Bottoms Up, the Beau-Lox delegation lingered in the sunshine with glasses of wine in hand.

The Mayor looked across at Shawn, Em and the Reverend.

“So…” he began. “… I take it no one minds?”

Shawn smiled. “They’ve seen it all before.”

The Mayor laughed. “I mean… nobody seems to care.”

“They don’t,” replied Em. “We are not embarrassed.”

The Reverend nodded.

“People soon stop noticing what you’re not wearing. They notice whether you’re kind instead.”

Bert Spray was explaining, for the third time that day, why his screwing was “strictly for maintenance purposes.”

The Mayor carefully removed his blue, white and red mayoral sash and folded it over his arm before quietly beginning to undress.

“I suppose…” he said “…when in Lower Butt-Ox…”

Shawn grinned.

“…exactly.”

The Mayor slipped off the rest of his clothes, carefully folded them into a tidy pile, then placed his blue, white and red mayoral sash back over his shoulder.

The Reverend applauded.

“Bravo!”

“Now you look ready for the unveiling ceremony later.”

Em couldn’t help himself. “I think we’ve just had the unveiling.”

Penny called from the pub doorway at four pairs of buttocks.

“Right then…”

“Who fancies another round?”

One visitor from Beau-Lox turned to his wife.

“This village certainly lives up to its name!”

“Well…” she smiled,
“We’ve certainly seen more of the Mayor than I expected.”

The Mayor raised his glass.

“To friendship…”

“…and to villages that accept people exactly as they are.”

“Bottoms Up!”

Glasses clinked all around the village green.

Lower Butt-Ox and ‘Le Petit’ Beau-Lox officially become friends

July 8th By our Village Correspondent

After several weeks of diplomatic discussions, enthusiastic planning and more misunderstandings than anyone thought possible, the villages of Lower Butt-Ox and ‘Le Petit’ Beau-Lox yesterday signed their official Twinning Agreement.

Villagers gathered outside the Village Hall as Shawn welcomed Mayor Pierre Derrier-Piste from Beau-Lox.

“From this day forward,” declared Shawn proudly, “our villages will stand cheek by cheek in friendship.”

Nobody was quite sure what he meant, but everyone applauded anyway.

The official plaque was unveiled before the two men shook hands to loud cheers from the assembled crowd.

The Mayor of Beau-Lox insisted that the ceremonial sash should be worn by a guest of honour.

Em accepted it proudly.

Shawn looked him up and down.

“I’ve never seen you wear so much clothing,” he laughed. “I barely recognised you!”

Em grinned.

“I do feel very overdressed.”

A gift of friendship

The Beau-Lox delegation presented Lower Butt-Ox with a beautifully crafted friendship plaque reading:

“Amitié – Friendship – Lower Butt-Ox & Beau-Lox – Toujours!”

In return, Shawn proudly presented a framed tourist map of Lower Butt-Ox featuring many of the village’s famous attractions including:

• Bottoms Up
• St Dicks Church
• Dinky Winkie Wood
• The Parting of the Butt and Ox

The French delegation spent several minutes trying to pronounce “Dinky Winkie” before deciding it was easier simply to laugh.

Cultural exchanges

Plans are already underway for future exchanges.

Visitors from Beau-Lox have been invited to:

• Fanny”s Annual Great Outdoor Spread
• Bert Spray’s DIY Demonstration
• The Lower Butt-Ox Village Fête
• Shawn’s Guided Rambling Tour

Meanwhile villagers from Lower Butt-Ox hope to visit Beau-Lox later this year.

Em has already started packing.

“We’re traveling light,” he said.

Asked later what twinning really meant, Shawn smiled and said:

“It’s nice to know there’s another village in Europe that’s prepared to expose itself to us.“

Lower Butt-Ox’s STIC Officially Opens

Bert Spray helps erect Lower Butt-Ox’s newest attraction

There was cause for celebration in Lower Butt-Ox this week as Shawn’s Tourist Information Centre (STIC) officially opened for visitors.

The attractive timber building was designed to provide maps, local information, walking routes and details of upcoming village events.

The project was built by local handyman Bert Spray, who spent several days carefully constructing the new centre in the heart of the village.

“I’d been thinking about getting a STIC for quite a while,” explained Shawn. “When I mentioned it to Bert he said he had just the thing.”

Bert smiled.

“Well, I had plenty of wood and Shawn told me it was exactly what he needed. Once we’d agreed where it was going, it was simply a matter of getting everything in place.”

The construction attracted plenty of curious onlookers, many of whom stopped to admire the progress of Bert’s erection.

By the end of the week the new STIC was standing proudly and ready to welcome its first visitors.

When asked whether he was pleased with the finished result, Bert replied:

“You only get one chance to put it up properly. But it’s always very satisfying once you’ve finished.”

Shawn couldn’t have been happier.

“Bert’s done a wonderful job. We spent some time planning it of course. These things don’t come up by themselves. My STIC is small but surprisingly useful, and I think visitors are really going to enjoy using it.”

The STIC already contains village maps, heritage trails, local business information and details of upcoming events, with an exciting new digital feature due to be unveiled tomorrow.

The Gazette understands this latest addition has been developed in complete secrecy and is expected to become an important part of village life.

AI Comes to Lower Butt-Ox – But Not Quite As We Expected

July 12^th 2026 (Originally published by Ollie Flinch, Technology Correspondent for the magazine Wide Open Spaces)

When my editor informed me that I was being sent to cover the launch of an innovative AI tourist information system in a picturesque English village, I assumed I’d be writing about technology.

As it turns out…

…I was mostly writing about the people using it.

My journey to Lower Butt-Ox began uneventfully enough. It did not stay that way.

The first person I met was standing outside the Tourist Information Centre.

He was smiling and welcoming. His smile was also all he was wearing.

I did what any professional journalist would do.

I maintained eye contact. Very determined eye contact.

“I’m Shawn,” he said cheerfully. “Welcome to Lower Butt-Ox! You must be Ollie.”

“I am.”

“Wonderful. Phil’s expecting you.”

At this point I had no idea who Phil was.

Nor, if I’m honest, did I feel it appropriate to ask why Shawn appeared to have mislaid his entire wardrobe.

Before I could gather my thoughts another equally cheerful gentleman wandered over.

He wasn’t wearing any clothes either.

“I’m Em,” he said, shaking my hand enthusiastically. “I invented Phil.”

What surprised me most wasn’t that two men were apparently wandering around the village without any clothes on at all.

It was that nobody else appeared remotely interested.

Shawn proudly led me to his Tourist Information Centre, affectionately known around the village as “The STIC.” Shawn beamed as he pointed towards a large ‘Ask Phil’ poster. The logo featured a smiling cartoon buttock wearing a flat cap and holding a mobile phone. At that moment I realised this wasn’t going to be a conventional technology review.

I was beginning to wonder exactly what I’d got myself into.

Phil Is Impressive in Lower Butt-Ox

July 12^th Originally published by Ollie Flinch, Technology Correspondent for the magazine Wide Open Spaces

I read the poster which seems pretty standard but thought it looked a bit old school.

Shawn and Em were trying to find their phones and all I could see were two pairs of buttocks wobbling about while they did it. This village was certainly living up to its name.

I‘m not normally an impulsive person, but a thought suddenly struck me.

“If they can do it… why can’t I?”

Before I’d had chance to think it through, I was taking my own clothes off.

By the time they turned around I was just as nude as they were.

Shawn looked me up and down, smiled warmly and simply said,

“That’s better.”

“Much!” agreed Em. “Now let’s get Phil downloaded onto your phone so you can try him out.”

A few moments later, the little buttocks logo appeared on my screen.

“So… how does it work?” I asked.

‘”Just talk to it” said Em cheerfully. “It’s voice activated”

Feeling slightly nervous, I cleared my throat.

“Hello, Phil.”

“Hello Ollie” it replied.

I frowned.

“Wait… what? How do you know my name?”

“When it comes to Lower Butt-Ox I know everything” There was something strangely familiar about Phil’s voice, although I couldn’t quite place it

“But….?”

“Well” Phil replies “it certainly didn’t take you long to show yours”

“What…?”

“Excellent decision, Ollie.” Shawn told me reassuringly

“Your trousers are now approximately three metres from your shoes.” Phil continued matter-of-factly.

“Your socks are inside out.”

“Would you like me to remember where you’ve left everything?”

I stared at my phone.

“Your Editor is unlikely to be pleased with the photographs”

“Phil……….” said Shawn with a knowing grin

“But….”

“Your clothes currently resemble a small laundry explosion. The STIC offers complementary garment storage. I hope that’s helpful.”

Shawn leaned closer and whispered “Best to just go along with it. Your clothes will be quite safe”

Phil continues. “I suppose you would like the tour now?”

“Um……. Um…..”

“Now” said Phil imperiously “Let the tour begin, and Ollie let’s make sure you get some sun cream on later. It’s cloudy at the moment but I know how easily you burn.

I froze.

“Remember that time in Spain two years ago………..”

I was completely speechless.

“Our first stop is Fanny’s Petals” Phil continued cheerfully, “followed by the Reverend’s Balls at St Dick’s.“

At that precise moment, I realised this wasn’t going to be an ordinary technology review.

And I suddenly thought I had nowhere to store my notebook either.

It was going to be a day I’d never forget.

The Tour was an Eye-Opener

July 12^th Originally published by Ollie Flinch, Technology Correspondent for the magazine Wide Open Spaces

The tour was …. well different!

We started off at the Floristry and Gift Shop called Fanny’s Petals. Fanny was there waving. Just wearing an apron and a smile. ‘Welcome to Lower Butt-Ox. Oh ….you have just reminded me to get some more marigolds”

Without warning Phil piped up “This is Fanny’s Petals. She likes to keep it open for as long as possible.”

“Come on, Ollie, we’d better keep moving.” said Shawn

Round the corner was a charming church – St Dick’s. Phil piped up again “This is St Dick’s Church, named after Saint Richard of Drooping Bunting. It’s just a short walk from here. If you’re fortunate, you’ll see the Reverend polishing his brass balls.”

And indeed he was – all smiles and nothing else. “Oh do come in for a cup of tea and a biscuit”.

I looked at Shawn and Em “Do we have time?”

“There is always time for enjoyment at St Dick’s” was the joint reply.

Before long we were seated in the garden and the good Reverend (who I later found out as called Andy MacFandy) brought out a tray with a teapot, some cups and some biscuits.

“I hope you like Ginger Nuts” he said with a smile.

Before I could reply Phil piped up again

“He carries around two with him all the time already.”

The end of the tour was the bridge of the Parting of the Butt and the Ox. The two streams that flow through the village.

Em smiled.

“Lean right over the bridge, Ollie. You can really see the Parting of the Butt & Ox from here.”

So I did.

Phil says “No wonder they call him Golden Balls at work”

I straightened up “They don’t call me that”

Em chuckled “They might after today, Ollie”

Shawn sighed.

“Phil…”

“Yes, Shawn?”

“…Nothing.”

“Right then,” said Shawn, rubbing his hands together. “Let’s all head down to Bottoms Up and get something to eat.”

And we did and it was delicious. I’m going back again next week.

The Arrival of the Nudiste Artiste – Part 1

July 16th By Ollie Flinch

I was sitting outside Bottoms Up enjoying a cheeky pint after lunch. Mind you, everything seems to be cheeky in Lower Butt-Ox.

Shawn and Em were halfway through explaining why the ducks always avoided Dinky Winkie Wood when I became aware of a booming voice echoing down the lane.

“It shall be a Miracle of Maize*… a Wonder of Wisteria*… and an Orgasm of Orchid*… all rolled into one drawing!”

I looked at Shawn.

“What on earth was that?”

Shawn smiled.

“Get ready…”

Em grinned over the rim of his pint.

“Paul’s arriving.”

The voice came closer.

“The village cries out for colour!”

Then he appeared around the corner.

A flamboyant overweight gentleman wearing the most outrageously colourful beret I had ever seen. A well-worn leather satchel hung across his shoulder. Apart from that he was as naked as we were.

He stopped in the middle of the green.

Spread his arms dramatically.

“I’m here!”

Nobody looked remotely surprised.

Paul beamed.

“Good afternoon, everyone!”

Shawn leaned towards me.

“He does this every time.”

Paul suddenly remembered something.

“Ah… but I haven’t told you my news!”

He spread his arms again.

“I’m moving in!”

The villagers applauded.

“I’ve bought Periwinkle Cottage down the lane and I shall become your…”

He paused dramatically.

“…résident nudiste artiste!”

Phil replied immediately.

“He insists on saying that in French.”

Paul smiled proudly.

“It sounds more… artistique.”

Em nodded.

“He’s got a point.”

Shawn smiled.

“It does rather roll off the tongue.”

Paul bowed graciously.

“Merci.”

Fanny clapped her hands in the doorway of Fanny’s Petals.

“That’s wonderful!”

She thought for a moment.

“I’ll have to ask Bert to put another shelf up.”

Only then did Paul notice me.

He pointed enthusiastically.

“And who are you, my fine Neon Carrot*?”

Shawn laughed as I instinctively looked down at myself.

“Paul, this is Ollie.”

“He’s a newcomer… and a reporter.”

Paul’s eyes widened.

“A reporter?”

He hurried over and stood proudly in front of me.

“Splendid! Would you be so kind as to expose my artistry to a wider audience?”

I smiled.

“Well… I haven’t actually seen your artwork yet.”

Without missing a beat, Phil replied:

“You’ve certainly seen everything else.”

Shawn closed his eyes.

“Phil…”

Little did I know what Paul was about to reveal next…

*Editorial Note: Paul insists on using the official Crayola colour names wherever possible.

Paul’s ‘Masterpieces’

July 17^th by Ollie Flinch

After meeting Paul and leaving the STIC on the Green, Shawn suggested we pop into Fanny’s Petals to see some of his artwork. Em had to go off to start another tour, but Paul went with us looking as pleased as punch.

As soon as I walked through the door, I stopped.

Every shelf at the back of the shop seemed to be covered with brightly coloured mugs, tea towels, tote bags, postcards and coasters.

Every single one featured the same unmistakable style of artwork.

If “style” was the right word. Or even “artwork”.

One mug appeared to show St Dick’s Church with a very dodgy slogan.

Another might have been an extinct animal.

A third was a stick person somewhere in a scribble.

I went for a closer look and I picked up the nearest mug.

“And this is…?”

A cheerfully loud voice answered behind me.

“My most inspired creation yet.”

I turned to find Paul smiling proudly. Shawn was clearly trying to suppress a chuckle.

Fanny appeared from behind the counter carrying another box of mugs.

“You wouldn’t believe it, Ollie,” she said conversationally as if she’d known me for years. “They sell like hot cakes. Even more than mine.”

She giggled at her own little joke.

I looked from the mug to Paul.

“But… but they’re…”

Paul’s face lit up.

“Unique!” he declared.

He swept an arm towards the display.

“You’ll never see anything else like them.”

On that point, I couldn’t disagree.

Fanny pointed at the display.

“Oh, go on, Ollie. Pick a favourite. It’s a gift from me to welcome you to Lower Butt-Ox.”

I stared at the shelves.

There wasn’t a single drawing that looked remotely like anything it claimed to be. Or like anything at all really.

“They’ll all be gone by the end of the day,” she added confidently.

I looked at Shawn.

“I’m not sure where to start.”

Shawn winked and whispered.

“Everyone forgets you’re not wearing anything when you’re holding a d’Crayola mug.”

I looked down at the mug in my hand.

Then back at Paul who was smiling with pride.

Then at Fanny who had a twinkle in her eye.

“…I’ll take two.”

Paul beamed. “What a wonderful pair with a hint of Outrageous Orange* delight”

Shawn was just glad Phil wasn’t activated.

*Editorial Note: Paul insists on using the official Crayola colour names wherever possible. Even when he doesn’t have to.

GAZETTE EXCLUSIVE! Ollie’s Day Working with Bert

July 19th By Ollie Flinch (Guest reporter for The Lower Butt-Ox Gazette)

After several readers suggested I should spend a day finding out what Bert Spray actually does, I volunteered to become his assistant.

7:30am – The Uniform

Bert was already unloading his van when I arrived.

“Morning,” he smiled. “You’ll need to wear my uniform though.”

He opened the back doors.

There were the usual tools, all neatly stacked

And…

A perfectly folded stack of tiny denim shorts.

“Health and safety?” I asked.

“No. They’re the regulation ones.”

I reluctantly pulled them on.

It was the first item of clothing I’d worn since moving to Lower Butt-Ox.

Looking down at them, I wasn’t convinced they really counted.

“Excellent” says Bert “Perfect fit”

8:00am – The First Job

Our first call was the village fountain.

The tap had started dripping again.

I reached for the adjustable spanner.

“No,” said Bert.

“The other adjustable spanner.”

“There are three adjustable spanners.”

“Exactly.”

Within minutes the tap was working perfectly.

“See?” smiled Bert.

“Simple.”

9:15am – Learning the Ropes

Now said Bert “Time for a a little ladder practice before for the next jobs”

Bert handed me the ladder. And told me to put it up next to the van and climb up it.

“I thought you said I was helping.”

“You are.”

“I thought helping meant standing on the ground.”

Bert laughed.

“It’ll build your confidence.”

“Perfect,’ said Bert “You look like you’ve done that before”

10:30am – Tea Break

Back at the van, Bert was rummaging for the tea flask when we both heard it.

RIIIPPPP!

“Oh dear” said Bert “There goes another pair”

It was turning out to be quite a day in Lower Butt-Ox.

Once Bert had replaced his shorts, which somehow looked even smaller than the first pair, we got back to work.

11:00am – New Sign

Bert wanted a new sign erected outside his workshop and suggested I went up the ladder to do it.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m down here ….. keep a firm grip on things ……” Bert said.

“How’s it looking?” I asked once it was in place.

“Hanging a little to the left” said Bert.

‘Is that better?” I asked making a small adjustment.

“Perfect. Don’t touch it now, you’ll only make it worse.” said Bert with a smile.

11:45am – Gutter Cleaning

“Just clear the leaves.” Bert said.

“I don’t like heights.”

“You’ll be fine.”

“You said that about the sign.” I replied

“You straightened it out in the end”

I heard the familiar ripping sound as I bent forward over the guttering. RIIIPPPP!

“Bert?”

“What?”

“My shorts!”

Bert laughed “We all see that every day Ollie. Nothing new there”

12:30pm – Walking to Lunch

We eventually stopped for lunch and headed down to The Bottom’s Up.

As we walked I asked

“Bert, why are these shorts always so tiny?”

Bert replied “Why are you always nude?”

“Don’t you ever want longer ones?”

“These are my Winter ones” Bert replied with a grin.

“Winter……..?”

As we walked toward the pub my shorts gave up the ghost and fell to the floor.

And so it was back to normal for me while Bert just looked and said “At least they will recognise you in the pub now”.

By Ollie Flinch Village Reporter (Always Curious ♥)

Visitors to Lower Butt-Ox can now take a little piece of the village home with them thanks to the launch of the official Lower Butt-Ox postcard collection at Fanny’s Petals.

I caught up with village STIC owner Shawn to find out how the idea came about.

Ollie: Congratulations on the new postcard range, Shawn. They’re looking rather popular already.

Shawn: Thank you. We realised people wanted something to remember their visit. Some visitors wanted to take Em home, but postcards are considerably cheaper and don’t need food.

Ollie: Who chooses the names?

Shawn: Usually whoever says something daft first.

Ollie: That explains Buns on the Run then.

Shawn: Bert accidentally started that one after your day working with him. Although, I think he actually said Buns on the Rung.”

Ollie: (awkward cough) “Moving on – do you have a favourite?

Shawn: The Parting of the Butt-Ox.

Ollie: Why that one?

Shawn: It’s our famous bridge. Every tour ends there and visitors always stop for photographs.

Ollie: I’ve been there several times already.

Shawn: And we never get tired of it, Ollie.

Ollie: And Nothing to Hide?

Shawn: That’s more of a village motto than a postcard.

More Than Just Postcards

Shawn hinted that the postcard range is only the beginning.

At that moment Fanny wandered past carrying another box.

“We’ve sold quite a few already,” she smiled.

Ollie: So… what’s next?

Shawn: We’re looking at mugs, bookmarks, coasters, calendars and a few other surprises – maybe even a book! Fanny’s already cleared some space in the shop.

Ollie: Sounds exciting!

Shawn: We’ve marked you down as Mr April in the calendar already.

Ollie: Oh!

Shawn: Problem?

Ollie: Well I thought Mr May might be better……

Shawn: Why?

Ollie: It’s my birthday in May.

Shawn: Is that the one day of the year where you aren’t in your birthday suit now?

Ollie: I can cope.

Phil’s Final Thought

As I finished, Phil offered his usual piece of tourism advice.

Phil “‘Lower Butt-Ox shows you everything but you still bought something”

Shawn “Phil …..!”

“They’re Even Smaller Than I Thought!”

By Ollie Flinch (Village Reporter)

Having spent the morning interviewing Shawn about the new Lower Butt-Ox postcard range, I thought the conversation was over.

I was wrong.

Em wandered over and the pair continued admiring the display outside the Gift Shop. Shawn picked up one of the postcards and held it against himself.

“Look, Em!” he chuckled. “They’re little modesty postcards!“

Em laughed and did the same.

“They’ve designed them with us in mind.”

I couldn’t help joining in.

“I reckon…” I grinned, “...they’d probably be enough for me too.”

There was a brief silence.

Shawn and Em exchanged a knowing look.

Then Shawn smiled.

“We know.”

The pair burst into laughter.

Shawn handed me a postcard.

“Here…”

“Keep this.”

“What for?”

“So you’ve always got something to hide behind.”

The two of them dissolved into laughter again and put the postcards back

And, if I’m being honest, they were right.

Should I ever find myself in need of a modesty board, one of these postcards would be perfectly adequate.

Thankfully, in Lower Butt-Ox, I’ve never had cause to use one… and I fully intend to keep it that way.

WIDE OPEN SPACES TELLS OLLIE: “DON’T COME BACK!”

July 22nd 2026 by Shawn Braken (Guest reporter and owner of Shawn’s Tourist Information Centre)

This is Shawn. Em and I remember it well. We were chatting to Ollie that day about the latest fridge magnets when his phone rang.

It was his Editor.

“FLINCH!’ He had his phone on speaker but everyone would have heard him even if he hadn’t.

“Yes it’s me Mr Bubble”

“DON’T YOU TRY AND MR BUBBLE ME FLINCH – IT’S BUBLÉ! AS IN MICHAEL BUBLÉ! THE ACCENT’S THERE FOR A REASON, FLINCH! – ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN ME!”

“Sorry?”

Em looked at me “Who is Michael Bublé?”

“Not now Em” I replied

“THESE ARTICLES ARE RUBBISH – AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE PHOTOGRAPHS!” the voice ranted.

“But that’s what the village is like” Ollie tried to explain.

“WIDE OPEN SPACES IS A FAMILY MAGAZINE. DO YOU WANT ME TO HAVE A GAPING HOLE IN NEXT MONTHS EDITION!”

Both I and Em had to stifle a giggle.

Mr Bubble went on “THERE ARE NUDE PEOPLE IN THEM – INCLUDING YOU!”

With hindsight even I thought being able to put more emphasis on the word ‘YOU’ was impressive.

“But….”

“STAY THERE FLINCH AND YOUR GINGER BACKSIDE – IF THEY’LL EVEN BOTHER TO HAVE YOU – WHICH I DOUBT!”

At that point Ollie didn’t know what to do.

But we did.

“Connie Mint” we said in unison.

Ollie thought we were talking about Paul’s crayons.

“What is Connie Mint?” Ollie eventually asked.

I smiled “It’s not a ‘what’ but a ‘who’ Ollie”

Em grinned “It won’t take her long”

Ten minutes later Ollie got a message from Phil “Check your email”

“What?”

“CHECK your email Ollie!”

When he opened it there it all was. New contract as Official Reporter for the Lower Butt-Ox Gazette, permanent contract, recommendations for lodging over The Bottom’s Up, testimonials from the villages, references, the lot.

He just looked at us. “What???! How did this happen!”

Em just said “The whole village likes you Ollie. Even Phil and that’s an achievement!”

I agreed. “So you’ll just have to stay here in Lower Butt-Ox. If you want to, of course”

Ollie’s nude dance down the street was a delight and Fanny gave him a great big hug.

Meanwhile…

Just a few cottages away…

Connie Mint, the village solicitor, stood at the open window of her cottage, watching Ollie disappear around the corner, free as a jay-bird. And as nude as one.

A satisfied smile crossed her face.

She picked up her mobile and clicked on the Butt-Ox App

One ring.

A familiar voice answered.

“Phil here. How can I fill you in today?”

Connie smiled.

“You know already, Phil”

A brief pause.

Then the warm reply came back.

“Couldn’t have done it better myself, Connie.”

Connie laughed quietly.

“I thought you’d say that.”

And hung up.

Pop-Up Barber Jim Trim Gives Satisfaction in Lower Butt-Ox

July 24th 2026 By Ollie Flinch, Lower Butt-Ox Gazette Reporter

Now that I have settled in Lower Butt-Ox, several villagers suggested I pay a visit to Jim Trim.

As a professional journalist, I naturally assumed they were referring to the village barber.

They were.

Jim’s pop-up barber shop is hard to miss. A traditional barber’s pole stands proudly beside a beautifully crafted wooden kiosk, while a large black curtain bearing the words Haircuts & Good Times marks the entrance.

A smaller sign simply reads:

“Please Come In.”

Business appears to be thriving. And Jim certainly lives up to his name as he is clearly a gym enthusiast

Throughout the day there was a steady flow of customers, including handyman Bert Spray, Shawn and Em happily waiting their turns. I did wonder why Em and Shawn would be so keen to visit a barber. Perhaps he is particularly good with beards, I reasoned.

Rather than showing the impatience normally associated with waiting for a haircut, Bert simply smiled and told me,

“Jim always knows exactly what I need.“

An unusual thing for a customer to say perhaps, but not the last unusual thing I would hear.

Nobody appears concerned by the fact that the curtain remains firmly closed while Jim is working. Instead, villagers simply admire the craftsmanship of the kiosk or wander off for a cup of tea until the familiar sign changes again.

Then the curtain opens.

Each customer emerges looking remarkably cheerful.

I have never seen so many satisfied customers leave a barber’s chair.

Regular visitors spoke warmly of Jim’s famous loyalty card, although nobody seemed able – or willing – to explain exactly how the points are earned or what you got for them.

One gentleman simply winked and said,

“You’d be surprised how quickly the points add up.“

Even Bert admitted he was already working towards his next reward.

The atmosphere surrounding Jim’s little barber shop is unlike anywhere else I’ve visited. People arrive curious and leave positively glowing.

As for me…

Well…

As a journalist, it was important that I experienced village life first-hand.

So I stepped behind the curtain.

I asked Jim the secret to his popularity, he simply smiled.

“I believe in giving every customer my full attention.“

A straightforward answer.

Yet I somehow felt as though there was more to it.

I’m afraid, dear readers, that what happens behind the curtain stays behind the curtain.

Some traditions deserve to remain a mystery.

I will, however, say this.

I’ve already booked my next appointment.
Jim also handed me a loyalty card.
I’m looking forward to filling it.

Paul D’Crayola’s Art Class – Part 1

July 27th 2026 By Ollie Flinch (Lower Butt-Ox Gazette Reporter)

I sat down with Paul d’Crayola with his very extravagant poster about his art class on the wall behind us.

“Paul, thank you for taking the time to speak to the Gazette”

“Art always has time, Ollie. Time, however, does not always have art.”

I had no idea what that meant but I wrote it down anyway.

“You’ve recently started your artistic enlightenment classes in Lower Butt-Ox. What can people expect?”

“Confusion… followed by revelation… followed by tea.”

“Do you teach traditional drawing?”

“Nothing is traditional.

Even tradition was once experimental.”

I asked what the first lesson was.

Paul pointed proudly at a crayon drawing.

“Banana Mania.You cannot draw a banana until you have become a banana.”

“Have you… become a banana?”

He winked at me. “Only in the same way you become a carrot”

I decided to move the conversation on. “Have you got any interest?”

Paul was proud at this point. “Mais oui! Of course! The Bathos Art Society have already reserved every available place.“

“Who?” I asked

“Quentin Ashcombe-Smythe… their Grandissimo, as it were… was only too delighted to bring his society to Lower Butt-Ox for a cultural exchange of artistique idées and abstracting imagery.”

I scribbled furiously but had a growing worry.

“That sounds… impressive.”

Paul nods gravely.

“It is very impressive.”

“Whether it will be successful…?”

He shrugs.

“That is entirely another masterpiece.”

“And what did you tell them about Lower Butt-Ox?” I added.

Paul gave me a quick rundown from Quentin about the society members so that he could “tailor it to individual tastes”. I wasn’t filled with any hope of success.

Later I explained the problem to Shawn and Em.

“All these artists will be visiting and Paul is going to give them nude crayon lessons”

Em reads the list.

“Well at least Tarquin Bottoms should fit in.”

“I don’t think he even mentioned our lack of clothing. Maybe he is their life model or something”

Shawn, always the level-headed one, said “Well we can’t let Paul down so we’ll have to put our thinking caps on then and come up with a plan”

And we did. It was going to be a day like no other in Lower Butt-Ox………

Paul’s Art Class – Part 2

By Ollie Flinch (Lower Butt-Ox Gazette Reporter)

Well, the day arrived and everyone decided to put on a good show.

Some of us showing a good deal more than others of course.

We simply decided to be ourselves.

Fanny was busy making food. Penny polishing glasses. Bert was, well Bert, taking everything in his stride.

Then the mini-bus pulled up.

It was very mini.

And six of the most flamboyantly well dressed people I have ever seen stepped out. Complete with luggage.

They were only here for an afternoon.

Their names are extraordinary, so I have done a little bit of labelling for you.

But, in true Lower Butt-Ox style Shawn and Em greeted them.

Shawn said “Welcome to Lower Butt-Ox. We are so pleased to see you”

Em added “We hope you are just as pleased to see us”

Quentin looked at Shawn.

Then at Em.

“Ah…”

“You must be the life modelling chaps.”

There was a brief silence.

Shawn looked at Em and said “No”

“Well jolly good show anyway” said Quentin and introduced the others one by one.

“I think Bert’s going to enjoy this lot” whispered Em.

Shawn asked the if they’d like to take a tour of the village or get straight to the Art Class.

“Let’s get straight down to it!” was the reply for all of them.

The village hall is not big. Paul d’Crayola somehow managed to fill every inch of it.

If not with clothes…

…then certainly with enthusiasm.

“Ah Welcome! Bienvenue! Willkommen!” he gushed as they entered the hall. “Velcum to my little bit of Crayola Paradisiac”

Queenie asked “Para-what”

Paul launched into an explanation so gloriously over-complicated that I gave up trying to write it down after about the fourth syllable.

Just then Penny burst through the door.

“I do hope we aren’t too late!” she beamed, immediately picking up a crayon.

“Oh, me too,” said Connie tumbling in after her. “Paul’s masterclasses are wonderful.”

Bert was already sitting at one of the tables.

I have to say…

None of the crayons were quite as bright as his shorts.

“I’m mainly here for the cream pies,” Bert muttered.

Shawn and Em made sure everyone found a seat while Paul proudly unveiled enough colouring materials to decorate a small kingdom.

As everyone settled down, Tarquin quietly wandered over to me.

“So…” he whispered.

“So nobody minds if you’re not…“

He gestured discreetly at my nudity.

I smiled.

“Artistic?“

He laughed.

“No…“

I leaned in.

“That won’t be a problem today either.“

He smiled back.

Grins are infectious in Lower Butt-Ox.

I have a feeling Tarquin’s going to fit in just fine.

Paul’s Art Class – Part 3

By Ollie Flinch (Lower Butt-Ox Gazette Reporter)

So everyone settled down.

Our six visitors intermixed with the villagers. I took part myself of course.

Paul floated about like a Mother Hen. Offering advice. Of sorts.

“No Anastasia, we need more of a gentle stroke with the GoldenRod* to make it really shine”

“Oh Marmaduke, such a beautiful wrist action with that Magic Mint*. A practiced hand I fancy!”

“Now then Bert, let me guide you a little, it can’t all be done in Demin* you know. Try some different colours”

“Oooh Connie – very avant garde. Such a vibrant use of Purple Mountain’s Majesty*. It will really set this one off to its peak”

He comes over to my table with Shawn, myself and Tarquin

“Shawn – this is pas excellence with your use of Antique Brass*. Very retro” Shawn almost grins.

But Tarquin and I weren’t off the hook either.

“Ah” says Paul “And what has my little Neon Carrot* been drawing?”

“A big carrot” was all I could reply with.

“Ambition over reality is to be cherished” said Paul

“And you Tarquin? – although I hear you go by the name of Bottoms. What are you tempting us with? Something in Van Dyke Brown* maybe?”

Then it happened. Tarquin stood up.

“If you all can do it then so can I”

And he started to strip. And strip he did all the way.

‘”Oh I say” I heard Quentin say “It’s like the local rugby club on a Saturday night”

“Oh how revealing “said Queenie to Marmaduke, who seemed to be looking on with some interest.

“It was only a matter of time!” Em whispered to Shawn.

Shawn grinned approvingly “He looks a lot happier”

And we went back to swapping crayons. And generally being silly.

Laughter filled the Village Hall, but the story didn’t end there.

Paul’s Art Class – Part 4

By Ollie Flinch (Lower Butt-Ox) Gazette Reporter

After Tarqin’s clothes removal things settled back down for a bit

Paul was giving critiques to Penny, Bert and Connie.

He was very impressed with their use of colour, form and composition.

The Reverend popped in as well to see how things were going.

Quentin and Marmaduke looked at each other.

“Are most of the men nude in this village?”

“Only some” said Shawn with a smile ‘But we like it!”

Marmaduke turned to Quentin “When in Rome as they say” and got a round of applause from Shawn, Em Ollie and Tarquin as all their clothes came off too.

“That’s better” grinned Shawn and suggested we go a little walk round the village to stretch our legs.

And we all walked off, nude as the day we were born, the ladies just grinned.

“Boys will be boys”

“Lower Butt-Ox certainly lives up to it’s name”

Paul’s Art Class Part 5

By Ollie Flinch (Lower Butt-Ox) Gazette Reporter

Shawn and Em gave the Bathos Society a lovely little tour of the village.

We passed The Bottom’s Up pub, Fanny’s Petals and Jim Trim’s Pop-up Barber.

His curtain was closed. Shawn, Em and I exchanged a knowing smile.

“Is he popular?” asked Quentin.

“Oh…. VERY,” smiled Shawn.

We turned a corner and there was St Dick’s Church.

“What a magnificent pair of balls,” admired Tarquin looking the two brass balls at the entrance.

“The Reverend is very proud of his balls,” said Em.

We go past Dinky Winkie Wood.

“Who named that?” asked Marmaduke

“The village had a vote and that was the most popular choice” explained Shawn.

“We think it’s very appropriate” said Em.

Finally we ended up at the Parting of the Lower-Butt Ox Bridge and Em explained that we all had to bend over the side for the full experience.

We got a round of applause from the ladies when we did and Anastasia commented “Don’t they all look the same from this angle”.

Back at the art class, Paul handed the Society his most prized gift: a certificate of completion.

The Society were delighted and were already making plans to return soon.

As Quentin remarked, “I’ll be packing very light next time” and Marmaduke and Tarquin wholeheartedly agreed.