THE BENEVOLENT TOSSER’S MAP OF TOSS-TER-SHIRE REDISCOVERED
September 13th reported by Ollie Flinch
LOWER BUTT-OX, TOSS-TER-SHIRE — A remarkable piece of local history has been uncovered beneath the Toss-servatory of village resident and noted local explorer Shawn Braken, who was apparently moving a few things around when he discovered what appears to be the original map of Toss-Ter-Shire.
The beautifully preserved map is believed to date back to “17 hundred and tossing-one”.
According to local historians, 1701 that is what they thought Lord TosserVille said at the time.
Who was Lord TosserVille?
Lord TosserVille was a prominent landowner, enthusiastic cartographer and celebrated supporter of local ‘tossing’ traditions. The people of Lower Butt-Ox preferred to call him by the name by which he is still remembered today:
The Benevolent Tosser.
Lord TosserVille apparently believed that the people of Toss-Ter-Shire deserved a proper record of their county’s geography.
He therefore travelled extensively throughout the region, carefully documenting its villages, roads, rivers, hills and other points of local significance.
His resulting map provides a remarkable snapshot of Toss-Ter-Shire as it was many generations ago.
It also provides some intriguing clues about how the county’s more unusual place names came into existence.
Among the locations recorded are Toss Bridge, Toss Valley, River Toss, Toss Moor, Toss Bottom and a number of smaller settlements whose names have survived remarkably well.
A remarkable discovery
The map might have remained hidden for many more years had Shawn not decided to investigate beneath his Toss-servatory.
“I was just having a bit of a rummage down there,” Shawn told the Gazette, “and there it was in all it’s glory.”
The discovery has already attracted considerable attention among residents, not least because the map appears to be in remarkably fine condition.
I made sure I had a good look at it.
The map for a new generation
For many years, Lord TosserVille’s map was regarded as a myth. Something you could never get your hands on.
That is now set to change.
As BaldTossyLocks (he prefers this to Shawn) explained:
“The Benevolent Tosser gave us the map. Now we have to mount it.
The original map shows the general layout of Toss-Ter-Shire in impressive detail, including the county’s waterways, settlements and transport routes.
The rediscovery of Lord TosserVille’s map marks the beginning of a new chapter in the history of Lower Butt-Ox.
The Benevolent Tosser provided the original framework.
And if the project continues at its current rate, the original map may eventually become only the starting point for something considerably larger that may need to mounted
For now, however, the message from Lower Butt-Ox is simple:
The Benevolent Tosser gave us the map.
Now we have to put something more on it. Which Shawn (BaldTossyLocks) did there and then. Not everyone is a fan of history it seems.
LOWER BUTT-OX GAZETTE
September 16th By Ollie Flinch (Senior, and only, Lower Butt-Ox Gazette Reporter)
PARISH COUNCIL APPOINTS NEW CHIEF BUSH ASSESSOR
Residents may have noticed a new official presence around the village this week, as Lower Butt-Ox Parish Council has confirmed the appointment of Mr Curley Burley as its new Chief Bush Assessor.
Mr Burley has been tasked with carrying out regular inspections throughout the village and ensuring that standards are maintained for all nude male adults.
His assessments will cover a number of important criteria, including shape, density, form, width, colour, coverage, growth and general condition.
Speaking to me at the Lower Butt-Ox Gazette, Mr Burley explained:
“You can’t manage what you haven’t measured.”
He was keen to stress that the work is considerably more involved than some residents might imagine.
“People think you just have a quick look and move on,” he said. “That’s not professional assessment. Every bush has its own characteristics and these need to be properly documented.”
No trimming policy remains in place.
The appointment comes as Lower Butt-Ox continues to operate its no-trimming policy.
Mr Burley said this presented both opportunities and challenges.
“From an assessment point of view, natural growth is very useful. It gives us something to work with.”
The Parish Council has confirmed that no intervention is required simply because a bush is large, dense or unusually impressive.
“We are assessing, not interfering,” Mr Burley explained. He showed a sample chart of what the inspection would detail.
When asked how long a typical inspection takes, he replied:
“That depends entirely on what I’m dealing with.”
Official paperwork
Every assessment will be recorded on an official Lower Butt-Ox Parish Council Bush Assessment Report, with each inspection allocated its own reference number as shown above.
The first report, CB/001, has already been completed.
Despite the obvious public interest in his new role, Mr Burley remains determined to maintain professional standards.
He was asked whether he expected residents to become accustomed to seeing him arrive with his clipboard and assessment equipment.
“Of course, as I always say – keep that out of the way while I measure things‘” he replied.
The Parish Council has confirmed that Mr Burley will remain in post indefinitely.
Residents are advised that weekly inspections will continue until further notice.
I got a 5 star rating for mine and Shawn is looking forward to his assessment too..
A ‘Short and Sweet’ Interview with Chastity Chas
September 22nd by Shawn Braken (Ollie had the day off)
Shawn: So, Chas, welcome to Lower Butt-Ox. What exactly is your job?
Chas: I’m the Parish Officer for Personal Containment & Standards.
Shawn: And what does that involve?
Chas: Containment. Standards. Personal responsibility. Comfort.
Shawn: And chastity cages?
Chas: Cages are an important part of containment.
Shawn: You seem to have several.
Chas: I can go smaller.
Shawn: Right. And what’s that wet patch?
Chas: The pressure had built up. But I am still wearing the cage.
Shawn: And that wet patch is going to get bigger?
Chas: I hope so.
Shawn: You really don’t seem embarrassed by any of this.
Chas: Why would I be? Bodies do things. That’s normal.
Shawn: And the Speedos? You’re the only person in the village with a zip at the back.
Chas: Administrative necessity.
Shawn: What does that mean?
Chas: The council said I needed a back entrance in this village.
Shawn: I’m not sure that was quite what they meant.
Chas: Probably not.
Chas checked his clipboard and grinned.
Chas: But it’s very useful.
Shawn: And your philosophy?
Chas: Containment is about control. Comfort is about making that control sustainable.
Shawn: And if things don’t go according to plan?
Chas: When it happens, it will happen. And you can’t stop it.
Shawn: That’s it?
Chas: Our department’s motto is simple .’Further emissions are available upon request”.
